The Kinyodas Gazette - U.S.

April 04, 2005

An Impatient President Bush Appoints Rick Santorum to the Papacy


WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move that has some observers shaking their head, an impatient President Bush today nominated noted conservative Catholic senator Rick Santorum(R-PA) to be the 265th pope.

Posted by Spicolli' at 03:31 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2005

Clergy, Linguists Find Common Cause in The Da Vinci Code

PHILADELPHA, PA - Spruce Street outside University of Pennsylvania's Williams Hall erupted in protest as Post-Graduates in Linguistics joined forces members of the Roman Catholic Clergy in denouncing Dan Brown's book The Da Vinci Code.

"This book is a travesty of our faith, misrepresents the history of Mother Church and belittles the devotion of members of Opus Dei," said Monsignor O'Malley a priest at The Holy Blood of Christ church in Dryden. O'Malley continued, "Brown's assertions that Our Lord was married, that the current church was a conspiracy by the Roman Emperors to subvert the actual teachings of Christ and that various Catholic benevolent societies are dangerous, sadistic cabals bent on world domination must be held to account."

The students present seem to take a different tack. "The man is to literature what that crocodile hunter guy is to biology," said PhD. candidate Judith Roundstock. Stan Droibol, a teaching assistant and second year grad student, continued "the man thinks tour guide copy is a substitute for observation. The only mitigating factor for this drivel being turned into a movie is that his appalling prose will largely be absent. God have mercy if the directors opt for voice-over!" Droibol's exclamation touched off chanting by some of the ecclesiastic participants.

Posted by Spicolli' at 04:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 10, 2005

Metairie Conservatives Celebrate Rather's Departure

In a rare instance of Republican street theater, local conservatives followed a brass band around a war memorial in a busy median in Metairie, Louisiana holding umbrellas aloft in an imitation of a jazz funeral to celebrate Dan Rather's last broadcast as the anchorman of CBS Evening News.

That the seemingly triumphant Republicans are resorting to futile symbolic gestures is being greeted with a mixture of resentment and hope by local progressives. "I can't believe they're so brazenly ripping off our ideas." said Al Girbeaux a local labor activist. "It like only yesterday, we were holding a jazz funeral for democracy. These guys need to come up with their own material, maybe a Kool-aid giveaway..."

Other activists have become more optimistic from this event. "I've been going to protests for over 20 years the only thing the decline of the quality of American life has brought about is to make protests more elaborate." Says environmental activist Rainbow Rosen. "That conservatives are staging these spectacles can only showcase the more rabid elements of their movement. People dancing around a war memorial to celebrate the resignation of a man for pointing out that Bush was AWOL? C'mon that's worse than all those pierced folks with the purple hair that seem to be the only thing photographers see at our events. "

Posted by Spicolli' at 09:34 AM | Comments (0)