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Capitol Hill Fantasy Baseball League Heats Up Like Never Before

By Reese

Published March 15, 2005 10:41 AM

D.C. - As opening day draws closer with the passing of each day, competition and trash talk have been running high on capitol hill lately. "When I noticed that my draft picks were not very promising, I started getting mocked and such with serious smack from Rick Santorum(R-PA) like 'You're going down, bitch!'. To say the least, it really hurt my feelings... and to avoid further ego bruising, I thought that I'd head up a committee on steroid use in Major League Baseball and subpoena the players of my opponents. Creative eh?" said Congressman Tom Davis (R-VA-11th). "Yes, I know it's a complete waste of taxpayer money and goes against all logical sense, but then again, so does most government action. Besides, if the public doesn't realize the importance of winning in meaningless fantasy sports games, then they just aren't American in my eyes.", continued Congressman Davis. He went on to inform us that his strategy of getting Curt Shilling, Jason Giambi, Sammy Sosa, and Raphael Palmeiro off of the field and onto the witness stand should give him a comfortable advantage in the ranks. "Of course, I wish I had drafted those guys and I even offered comparable trades for a couple of them, but you think Bunning drives a hard bargain on transportation bills, just try to get a decent pitcher from the guy. These hearings were my last resort." Davis went on to admit that in the coming fantasy football league, that he'll head up a anti-terrorist committee and subpoena NFL players who may or may not be unamerican terrorist sympathizers. "Mushin Muhammad would be an easy candidate, unless I get him on my roster, of course. Not to mention Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, that'll really ruffle that commie Fiengold's(D-WI) feathers! Victory at any cost is my motto!"